Abundant Folly
Nikki Jauron
Copyright 2010
When I started this project, I felt relieved, and then I felt a little nervous. I mean here I am, I'd done a great deal of work to get onto the runway and head into a territory that was just as creative and just as promising as anything else could be. I literally threw a novel together in a month and a half because I wanted to have the next one finished by the end of the year. In hindsight, I would have spent a little more time with it, but it was a challenge and though I was a blossoming author, I had heard it could be done, so the challenge was accepted.
While I sat, wrote and edited, I thought about how much detail and more extension could go into the basic explanation of it, and besides, what was the book for, anyway? To say I could do it? To prove it to someone other than myself? Well, kinda both.
The idea of having something on the market that I was responsible for was important. I wanted to create something from the many signals and messages I was already receiving. All of the messages were coming in far too quickly and I did have a reason to get it out sooner rather than later. As the popular consensus was not the overall understanding of the push forth, it was my understanding of what I was watching unfold.
I could see the differences and the lack of understanding on the part of certain sanctions who were still clamoring for as much power as they could receive..
The worry was less about selling them than receiving commentary. Granted, this was something I knew about, but as someone with only one true body of knowledge, I couldn't possibly hold all the answers.
Still... Like the adage depicting size and strength as being surmounted by someone with greater powers than yours, there will always be someone more intelligent than the self. My objective is to make it though this life in the most balanced and peaceful ways I'm humanly able. Granted, it's not as easy as it always seems.
Right now, I sit at the dining room table. Thinking about how my world could be a little more exuberant. Sure, I'm a little foolish but I'm also very hopeful. While writing Abundant Folly, I experienced a flu or a cold or something that just would not go away. I think it could have been Influenza A H1N1, and yeah I didn't know whether I was being too hard on myself or not. But I knew I had to push through.
Eventually I had to go beyond the common means of alleviating the symptoms and I was actually required to resort to antibiotics, it wasn't the easiest illness to get rid of. The only reason I bring this up is because I haven't had to take antibiotics for any virus I've had during the course of which I can remember, and that's a very long time. Basically since the inception of antibiotics a a means to treat anything!
Through this process, I was thinking of dating, finances, my daughter, the best for everyone, and doing as much as I could to keep balance and maintain a realistic goal.
I was thinking of as many ideas as I could in the most productive and effective ways imaginable using as much energy as I could muster.
I know my perfection doesn't arrive when I want it to. I was pushing myself to listen to my body, but still pushing myself to beyond the brink of exhaustion and I was trying to tell myself to hang on and relax, but there was something else in there too..
A feeling of protection, knowing someone needed me but wanted to do it all on their own. Still, I knew there was something more I had to personify in this experience, and come damnation or whatever else I had to endure to reach a destination of understanding, I absolutely HAD to do it!
I can now say with all honesty, just as it is with mollusks and underwater crustaceans, it's often harder to pull them out of their shell safely than it is to just wait for them to crawl out on their own from the warmth of your own skin.. So as with people who need to seek their own way.
Granted, it takes a little while, but it's worthwhile. Here it is, the book after Hero's Knot.
There were a few things I needed to bring to clarification with that one.
As much as it seemed like I was on a distant planet communicating with aliens, (well, I actually was) but even then, the thoughts and meanings within that project were a stretch of my everything.
A stretch of my imagination and a stretch of my hope to reach a decent audience.
Mostly to stretch myself to a point where I thought I was reaching a thinned outlook of my soul. To finally use as much of my human limits as I had heard about being possible.
It felt good, and it also felt like I was about to tear myself to bits..
It was full steam ahead.
Like running a marathon with no destination and lasting 100 hours.. It peeled me apart.
I finished and then took a deep and happy breath and celebrated one of the most difficult tasks I have ever achieved. And then, I was caught in the inner debate we artists always feel when we cast something free to be shared with the rest of the world.
This one was a flow, some things were a work in progress, other things were tidbits of ideas I thought could be placed as the seed of thought in someone who wanted to carry the beginning idea with them, and allow the concepts to become the foundation for a deeper thought and overall understanding. (Isn't this what books are supposed to do?)
In Abundant Folly, Hero does arrive and is intermingled within the text, but is more a connection from the past book. (Psst - if it was a secret before, HERO is – Wait for it... Hero is me. Dang, now the cat's out of the bag! ;D)
This will be more of a coming to terms with past concerns. And seeking forgiveness of one's self.
So why would anyone seek salvation when the thoughts and ideas belong to the self? I don't know, but billions of people question their own inner knowledge every day, so why should I be any different?
In a situation like this we can only believe we're doing what we need to do at the time.
Mostly, my writing chronicles a path of deep inner conflicts. It's something most of us have, but it's also something I hope can become valuable in truly figuring out the difference between who I was, who I am and who I WANT to be.
Since the deepest form of enlightenments at times can be the moments when you feel the most at peace with yourself. Some of us take a little more time assessing the situation...
We all want the world to love and understand us, and most of the time we all feel inadequate.. And sometimes we think all it takes for the world to get to know us is to understand ourselves a little better.
But the search for inner understanding is a skill, taking much time to ponder, and a lot of growing pains!
This passage is nothing but another chapter from my life. Just another way to break down all that I have and figure in the elemental disillusionment I have harbored.
I feel there are certain elements I've needed to hone to remain part of this society; as we're all clamoring ahead to be better than such and such. Well, sometimes it gets a tad unnerving. So, what do I do?
Do I roll up my sleeves and do the best I can with what I've got, or do I grab this frustration, throw it out the window and then believe my life will do what it's supposed to do and get happy?
Isn't this the same question?
And what of my words?
Do I worry if they become misconstrued?
I kinda think the acceptance of my own thoughts has to be justified, particularly because this is all part of the lesson. But if I expected everyone to understand everything I said, I'd be pretty disappointed.
If you haven't already guessed, I spend a span of months writing through situations, and hoping what I'm learning is what I'm supposed to be learning.
Life throws a lot of spitballs. And they ain't no fun, especially when you'd love it so much if your entire life was a fairy tale..
Well seeing as how it literally can be construed as a fairy tale, there's always so much going into the presumed glittery fortunes of such a tiny hero. Especially when in the moment she is using her powers for great. And all she truly desires is love.
What she does think she knows is: Love comes in many aspects, some harder to understand than others.
Like a presumed common understanding of a complement stemming from something honest and kind, while when you say it, you've just triggered something in someone else and they grow silent and dark instantly. Like the unspeakable shame of hearing something come from you the other person was unable to comprehend.
Meanwhile, you're standing there, watching a great conversation turn into a life crushing storm, and there is no reason whatsoever for you to know you've uttered something the other person found over the line.
You begin to feel yourself shrink, and the scene takes place all around you in slow motion as the other person invisibly reaches into your chest and grabs your heart, only to stomp it into the floor right in front of you...
You feel the last echoes of a heartbeat as a potential good friend has just become someone you will have nothing to do with on happy terms possibly for the rest of your life. It will knock your world off kilter for the rest of the day and may affect you for many moons to come..
And sometimes you don't even get an explanation!!
You're standing there thinking to yourself; “I'm sorry, was it something I said?? What did I do??”
And we are supposedly in the age of understanding...
Where was this Utopia of a Universal World Peace everyone's been talking about since the dawn of human conceptualization?
Well, who knows, right?
Really, sometimes the best place to start is within ourselves, but what the hell does that mean anyway?
I've got a few examples in my life. Mostly, it's all in my lack of ability to understand why it becomes so difficult for someone to grasp a basic concept. (Including myself.)
Say for example: “Everyone WANTS to be alive.”
If I were to deconstruct this, I'm sure I can compile enough repetitive info and ample proof that a great many of us, who breathe, eat and sleep, WANT to be alive.
I could even stretch a little further in saying, in one way or another, PEOPLE LOVE LIFE.
I could then really, really grasp for straws and say, this COULD make everyone Pro-Life...
Currently, in the modern United States, all this is symbolized as meaning is: Abortions should be illegal.
I kinda want to re-embrace the word and empower the world to equate, in our growing understanding of its inhabitants as supposedly intellectual creatures, to embrace ALL LIFE, meaning exactly that.. ALL LIFE.
Somehow we are all still alive. Therefore, we must be appreciating it on some basic level or need.
Dream on, little Aquarian.
Dream on.
I need to give thanks to a great many people, most know who they are, but I have to throw out a few key players who have impacted my creativity and also differing levels of sanity over the course of the project.
Firstly, the cohabitants I have shared a roof with for going on 5 months, now. Karen, Kim, Willo, Hank, Shelby, Dexter, and my fish; Cincinnati, Fred, Sir, Onyx, Margo, The two orange platties, the 3 pufferfish, the new chinese pleco, the 2 new clown loaches, the 2 apple snails and the thousand or so freshwater snails who call my disaster of a bedroom a home. Thank you for making me feel like I belong somewhere! It means a great deal. :D
Thank you to my ever growing community of friends, family and admirational loves, who obviously know more about my desire to show affection than I am able to physically utter in any form of vocalization other than: Uh, umm, duh, hee-hee, grrr, huh, mrhahhhh and hmmmm. (Yeah, I really mean what my eyes say. It's true.)
To the people who tell me to let my readers decide they like it. this mean a lot to me. Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to continue along this path of abundant folly and giving me the opportunities to go where my mind and my creativity leads me.
And to myself, I haven't seen anyone publicly thank themselves before, but I have to give thanks to My Divine Spirit, who has continued to tell me to get back into the ring and keep writing words. Because I could have ended this journey the moment I sat in front of an empty easel with not a clue of where to begin.
210K words later, after everything, even though I always feel the need to continue, it's such an amazing feeling to know that 2 years ago, had you told me this is what I would be doing, I would have found it less a stretch of imagination than an insurmountable and impossible notion.
This book is also dedicated to those who can relate; my siblings in the search for Universal understanding on any level, and any day you be on the path.
I offer a loving spirit with a spice of uncertainty. May the spirit of majik be in our lyves alweys.
Thank you. :)
In the mean time, we have worlds to create..
So let's get to work. :)
Sending love in all times. -NJ 03.31.10
**Ed. Note: Also in writing for Hero, the voicing is different; it's not my own, and still a bit unknown to me. As if I'd channeled someone that I couldn't quite put into a clear intellectual context. That's another reason Hero's Knot was such a difficult book for me to publish. Thanks! NJ- 08.09.10**
The phone call came in at 3:42 am.
“Babe?” The sobs on the other end were of a familiar.
“What's wrong?”
Between the gasps for air and the hysterical crying, the voice uttered weakly, “You. were right.”
“Where are you now? Are you ok? Are you safe? I'm coming to get you...”
Hero turned off the TV. The high dramas had finally taken their toll. And she wouldn't participate the attack on her consciousness any longer. If she was able, she'd chuck it out the window, she would have. The world was fine with one less television in her opinion. Besides, it was always the same plot line.. And she could never stand watching the same show for 4 hours a day, unless she was getting paid for it, of course.
Sitting amidst a pile of books and electronics, and getting over a virus after sleeping it off for four days was a feeling of freedom. She was finally back to herself, and this time seemed different.
The week before, she pushed herself to emotional and responsible limits, and this twisted her outlook upon reality. She questioned everything from how her latest work would be received to how her inertia would be affected by the process of spiritual and emotional growth she was required to actualize in order to see the depth of her inner turmoils.
She created a fall back and reduced her needs to provide a long term opportunity that would benefit a greater purpose. But she paid with it in her creature comforts for the moment. She began contemplating the year's goals and desires and realized she had to finalize a plan to get her back into her skin.
Hero thought about how and when she let go, and wondered how she was going to recreate her workspace and generate the propulsion to get the ship off the ground with enough velocity to tower over the local skyscrapers. Cause she knew that's what it would take, and though she had time, she didn't have much time to lose.
Too many irons in the fire, not enough resources, and a limited amount of time, but these were all things she had worked through before, and the one thing that could throw a wrench into it, and the one thing she would allow to jam the cogs was her own human passions.
Her weakness.. Maybe yes, but who was really to say whether it weakened her or strengthened her will. And with the biggest fish on the line in her life, how would this all play out? Would she land it and finally have the trophy, or would she once again be satisfied with a second place win, if everything else went her way?
Hero desired to get into a creative flow and it had been weeks, and whatever it was that held her fingers back was also affecting her well being; but she couldn't quite figure out what it was... Maybe it was the knowledge that her words were going to actually have an impact upon her community and her life and it was hopefully all for the best.
He began looking at some of the work with an open eye and found a few halves of himself. In the public arena, he was mostly chipper and ready to go at it, and in his personal writings, this was where he licked his wounds and created the cheers he'd offer to himself knowing it was okay to feel like he was insane once in a while.
Weren't we all, at one point or another? Thoughts raced through her mind, in transit, or during a conversation while the other person commanded the attentions of the listening audience. Sometimes the simplest things permeated her thoughts, and sometimes the most obscure ideas would grip her attention until she did something with them, for example, the notion of a quantitative outlook upon her life. She loved the inner contemplations and how they'd meld together to create happiness.
The thoughts stirred her mind to wonder.
“I'm 35 now, another 5 years and I'm 40, then in another 10 yearz I'm 50... Less than half my age.. I could visualize fucking a really hot 50 year old... Hmmm. So what makes me think... A 35 year old with a 50 year-old always seems more socially acceptable than does a 35 year-old who seeks a younger lover, as we are in the age group now where the commercial industry dwells no longer upon my naiveté... Too bad... It always seems like less a stretch in my mind to allow myself the notion that a vibrant and idealistic 21 year-old would become something fantastic, and less of a puppy-love. But some of them are very good. Very good.
Why cast everything away knowing there could always be the possibility of a perfect connection existing regardless of any boundary?
It's true, I have no clue when it comes to the difference between merit and desires..
Maybe I should try and figure it out..
Maybe tomorrow. If I really need to...”
In a moment's notice Hero felt quiet and contemplative, she wasn't sure what was going to happen next, and she wanted to get a jump on the next work in progress, but she was unsure where to start.
Hero knew it had to be different. She began thinking about music and how it influenced the entire world, and even when we didn't understand the words in another language, we could always hear the feelings. Most of her intentions flowed through soundtracks, mostly telling of love, desire and the art of being in and falling out of love. The desires of everything whimsical and alluring always present in Hero's head as the pen and the keystrokes jumped upon the page as a painter's trance would unveil a work of unintended divinity.
Hero loved the comfort of a simple sound, a quiet place and a stable chair. We all wrote, but apparently people placed more emphasis upon hers, though she knew she was never the greatest, and sought more insight from the individuals around her who also loved to.
Hero began to think about something on the horizon, the thing she was putting off and she knew this was the next step, but she was weary of beginning. And for what? We didn't know, really we just knew she was dragging her feet, and this was making her tired. Hero was fighting against herself and perhaps our destinies..
“We chase em and if they can keep up, we bring em in.
If I were a dog, I'd be a Irish Wolfhound.
I've never felt so much like I was deemed the term archaic until then.
Just another piece of meat.
Gaining frostbite in the freezer.
Placing myself in a category anything other than self-worth.
Their hearts, controlling the fire of a bleeding nation.
All within their throats.
Their kissing the only thing that could quench their inner insanity.
And one of them seemed to be dragging her feet.
Indeed; she was.
Indeed, she was.”
She was unsure about certain things; for example, the art of regaining balance after earthshaking events.
Or so she appeared to assume.
This constant challenge in her life directed to some form of comprehensible natures.
And to presume she had any more control upon the world as anyone else did was a tad outrageous, as well.
But something did occur, and she was a little bit apprehensive about creating anything she didn't want to come to fruition, again.
Hero needed to choose her words wisely. Even if she wasn't the one to create the activity.
Sure, coincidence. But really?
Who knew?
Could anyone really ever know?
And what of the thought she had a few days prior to the show, off in a far away place?
Was this a presumed connection to the spiritual web, or was this something more than just a silly intuition and a game of statistics?
She had no idea.
“Hero? We're going out to eat.. You want anything?” The voices echoed from the top of the stairs.
Her throat was hoarse and a little weak. The mumblings occurred and Hero responded back, groggy on flu medication allowing her to sleep in between the incessant barking of 3 large dogs, and the rifling of a young, ferret boy who shared her bed.
Every time she fell back to sleep, the last thought on her mind was how maybe the next day when she awoke she would have enough strength to finally clean her room.
All Signs Point To...
Cleaning my room and finding some reason to see if this is going to work..
There are a few things I can change about myself particularly if we should attempt to...
Speak.
As I ask the question..
How is the..?
How are the..?
Could we just get the how's out of the way?
And get right to the...
So where do we start?
Lemmee Tell You How I REALLY FEEL!!!
Right in this moment...
I wanna peel into the outer fibers of an attractive and willing soul and suck them dry of the sexual frustrations we share and harbor within our stirring minds.
The drive to do what ever comes naturally is at the foresight of my mind... And this is the reason I feel so nuts.
This is the reason I can feel so crazy.
This is the reason I can forge into the unknown.
This is the reason I can seem so insane.
This is the reason I question my own sanity sometimes.
And BY THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING!!!
TELL ME YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY...
Please, tell me you feel the same.
I'd Like To Stay In Heaven For A Little While Longer.
I began to walk, a while ago. I knew this world needed it. I knew I needed it. I knew it was the most important decision I could make.
Not sure how I would be able to respond. We all showed what we had. And I began to think more and more about what could be done. And I cried. It was the most excruciating experiences I have ever had to endure. But I knew I could do it this time. Not sure why, I just did.
No presumed outcome in sight, all I could do was supply some level of understanding that I was in competent hands. Sometimes, all we had was trust and disregard for any concerns. I tried to offer up some of the most amazing secrets of the world. It was never really a secret.. I have been deemed keeper of insignificant wisdoms.. In other words, the one who knows everything. The type of girl who can answer a Jeopardy question before it's finished.
And we read insightfully; instinctually, intenfully. There was nothing we couldn't do. Hard to hold such powers. The push inward is excruciating. The push outward to gain ground was intensity in motion. It wore us down. Nothing we could do above everything. To begin to ask ourselves why we weren't quite 100% perfect. And what did it even matter? And we were in love with each other!
To the point that it hurt in the loins, and to be away from each other for 10 minutes was excruciating. A love where all you wanted to do was shape yourself into one another and exist. A perfect fit. The Origin Of Love in physical form.
Eyes, frequently cast into one another and left to sink in for a while. A mystical connection. The kind you knew would crush you when looking into a new lover's eyes. A softness, as deep as the galaxy at times. Sometimes the galaxy was peaceful, and sometimes it was as powerful as the greatest stormy seas. Difficult to know how to respond to it sometimes. First rule was to envision them at their most beautiful. The transfer was almost instantaneous, and back to ground. We couldn't stay angry for long.
Man was never meant to fly, so we seemed to believe. But when we do, we soar. And there it was, in broad daylight. The obvious understanding was: it was. No idea why the concept of conquering was one of such great importance. It was bliss.
Perfection. But so easily attained. Like the slightest breath in a soothing direction. Time was everlasting and fleeting all at once. It made me fall in love with life again. Like pining for someone you may never be able to have. So much majick.
All it ever took was one touch. Our energies surged together like welding metals.
Every moment together was like a vacation from the world.
Ghosts In My Dreams.
I can still feel you, hear you.
We had a moment worlds ago.
You're name still keeps coming back. As much as I have worked to respect the wishes.
The easier part is it may not be the person most think it could be.
I've written about this before, but obviously, I don't know really why you've been there so much recently.
Could it just be my mind processing older feelings or could it be something else entirely..?
Our song just came on.. Or at least the one we decided not to own.
Not to worry, it's not that I cannot move on.
It's just...
I have nothing more to offer than I had to begin with.
And though it's highly unlikely that you're going to change, I will still remain in this place where you left me...
And when I get to the place again where I have the courage to speak, you know I will.
It's what we asked of each other, or at least what you've asked of me.
I suppose I've improved in some aspects. A lot of them, really. Would you see it? Would you notice? Are you happy? I trust you are. I know you are. In the ways you feel most secure, and peaceful.
There were so many things I should have told you. In passing, I couldn't..
This throne as the Queen of Unrequited Love seems cold and tremendous sometimes.
It's the nights like this, when I have nothing to do that seem the longest.
Should I manifest a perfect love to knock upon my door and steal me away into a night of uncertainty and sense of giddy adventure?
I'd love to.
Would I have your blessing, or would you still continue to hide me away until you need me next?
What would it benefit me to do so much waiting?
I will be happy soon. I already am..
I've just got so many thoughts in my head...
And I yearn for a subtle distraction.
Is it time?
What is it?
What is it that needs to be done at this point that hasn't been done already. :)
What are the things I'd do again if I knew I would do it over?
My ability to achieve a soft wisdom of life?
Of course.
Of course.
This picture is received and recognized.
Just, try to make it hurt a little less.
I am thankful.
Beginning A New Project.
This one isn't solely mine this time, as a matter of fact I'm just an assistant, which for all intents and purposes is a good thing and a great way to gather more info and experience, as this could be the nearest thing to idealistic opportunities as I have ever been part of from an organic level.
I've thought less about certain things lately.. It was a time when I needed to pull myself away from the one-year cycle and focus on seeing myself and my intentions at a distance, and here's where my work comes in holding a gentle fear in my hands, asking for simple meditations to be received to the universe and brought forth in due time, while keeping my moments in laughter and happiness abundant.
Let's see what we can do..
Almost A Hint Of Snow In The Air.
I retreat back into my sanctuary, hunkering down for peace.
Just simple rest, priorities are high on my list of things to do right now and the softening of certain blows does exist, but I can't help but thinking about certain experiences as of recently and I can't help thinking that somewhere along the way, I was left to take a certain level of insight into how I would see the future unfold.
If this is valour, what is left of the true soul? The spirit who gave so much to reconcile and to feel a noble connection to the world and the circle of inhabitants.
I don't know what to think anymore and the other day, my behaviours and my guard was justified.
We all place ourselves in situations where we need to feel a certain level of self control, or most importantly, a level of control over ourselves and our surroundings.
This is mutually exclusive, as sometimes the actions of the individuals has been categorized as a great many things, when sometimes, all we have ever needed to do was to sit down, make a plan, be honest with our own boundaries and create a safe space for all inhabitants.
It's not a question of cost benefit analysis, it's a question of how we are going to respond to a difficult situation when it happens and I am mostly feeling a little caught up in something again..
The way I felt when there was always something I desired greatly but knew would not be a viable situation to get myself into.. It was a wakeup call.
I needed to remove myself from everything for a while and feel the wind and the rain on my jacket, and in my eyes. I had faith, and though at times it was all very transparent and ever so slight, I knew all I had to do was think of making it home.
Sometimes that's what I have to do is know: All I want to do is get home.
The roads are dangerous, the people who come up on me while I'm in considerably sparse armours and flash their lights as I am in the slow lane for a reason, though my vessel is as equipped as it can be is frightening.
Trying to keep my balance steady as I watch for long patches of divided road and oncoming potholes, while I flash my brake lights to overcoming drivers that I'm going below the posted speed limit is terrifying.
I look ahead, I look behind. I drop my shoulders and I focus on making it home.
It's an arduous task, especially when sometimes the looming factors of current moments bombard my thoughts.
But I regain focus on the destination and I return again in one piece.
Your Heart Is Showing..
Before I tell you, I want to say how much of an honor it is to stand next to you, and the energy which surrounds us was a little more comfortable to be expected.
I felt so normal with you. Well, of course, right? In the most respectable of companies and I wasn't really sure what I was bargaining for and I certainly wasn't expecting those words to come out of my mouth.
Why would they, right?
You stand confident, and know I will swoon at the drop of a hat.
I stand, rigid and puffed like a softly, feathered bird. A chick, really.
It wouldn't bother me to use this as my pronoun. I like the feeling and the sensitivity associated with it.
It's a feeling I rarely feel in the outside world, much akin to my inner femininity, the one thing I overlook in my moments of peace, but in my peace is where I frequent more and more often.
The side of me the world sees as being some girl who sits on her computer as a fixture in a beautiful place, where a passer by could walk in and never know anything about what I do, or who I am outside my quietness.
I am multi-faceted, and it's taken more than a few years to understand myself and understand I'm just like everyone else...
Sometimes feeling the need to question her own sanity as it could be viewed or maybe inspired by her outer circumstances.
Finally understanding my inner creativity could be just that... Inner creativity.
So, my gratitude for allowing me to see the concept of trust within another individual, so as I am able to partially understand the notion that there are a few people on this planet, willing to see me as who I am on the inside, inside my chakras, and inside my bliss.
To see myself from your eyes.
I do this a lot.
Seeing myself in your reflection.
I Hope It's Back For Good. :)
Let's all wish for the best, shan't we? Of course, and why would we wish otherwise?
Was thee enemy in my presence myself, or someone else with the ability to castrate me even before I had begun?
Quite the question to ponder, isn't it? The moments when someone has no idea they're doing something until you tell them they are..
"I'm not a mind reader..."
Well, my dear, all of us are mind readers..
You should be able to tell that what you're doing is hurting me by the way I respond, or my lack thereof.
Now, lets try to create a peaceful vigil where we disrobe ourselves of the pains we've caused each other and call it a truce. You were right, I was right, we were right. We got our wires crossed and the miscommunication ensued...
May we please receive a do over?
Am I worth a do over?
Are you worth a do over?
Were we at our best?
Were we at our worst?
Were we're beginning to understand each other?
Where we know that just because we make each other angry, doesn't mean we're gonna throw it all away.
If it takes seeing it from the outside in order to see we both tried with everything we could and sought to gain some sort of equal ground is actually quite good enough for me.
What about you? What can we both gain?
How could we regain each other's kindness again?
Our respect? Our best intentions, and greatest accomplishments?
Yes, I am looking back.. And seeing there actually was something I didn't want to give up, and I saw something a while ago that made me know and believe all the miscommunications were worth it.
That's why I did it. That's why I was the way I was. I was trying to see how you needed me to be.
And right now, I see that you needed someone to pry open and destroy, and since you were unable to, I became something you needed the most...
A DECOY.
You needed a villain in your life that you could manipulate.
One you knew could take all of your hatred without throwing it back into your face.
I respect that.
If I leave, knowing I was someone who could take all of your hate and regenerate some kind of creation of beauty from your disdain for the world, then I know I'm here, and my truth is resounding and my heart is worthy.
It was scary at first, casting off my middle school feelings and introducing my professor pants, but I had to do it..
To rise above is sometimes the most challenging thing..
Placing the belief that somehow, your words are not for me..
And I do ask myself how much of the truths actually belonged to me..
And I still don't really know the answer.
I am willing to take what's mine.
More so, I'm willing to accept what's mine, as I rarely ever take unless it's offered, with the best of intentions.
I accept the outcomes. Just as I accept the rest of the choices I have and have yet to make.
To be who I am has always required a belief in all things supernatural, and this opportunity also came with no guarantees, I must accept all of it.
I may not enjoy all, but I must accept, regardless.
Now to create, perpetuate, indoctrinate and procreate a love that's great.
I can't wait.
Is This All Just Presumed, Or Are You Actually Thinking About It While I'm Picking Up On It?
Not sure, really, but I did have a moment a few days ago when I thought I was onto something, though it could have been the fever and the stuffy head and I would run with that, but I just wanted to know.
I wrote something beautiful and I lost it in a haze of fatigue and honesty.
Sometimes that happens and sometimes it's for the best.
I'm feeling much better and seeing things in a perspective of understanding while holding the ability to see the difference between smoke and mirrors.
So, instead of looking into the past, and seeing things for what they were, I see clearly into the future, and smiling intently, while knowing it was finally time for me to step up to the plate and hit one into the bleachers. :)
I smiled greatly and waved to the cheering fans, and bestowed every ounce of praise back to them, knowing I used their hopes to knock that sucker out of the park..
I must say, I've got some pretty powerful peeps in the stands, and I thank them for rooting the way they do.
I am so grateful.
Thank you!
Breathing Through My Skin. #1
Time to hit the ground running after a week of self assessment and worry.
Yeah, I do worry, I see things and know there are things that need to happen, but in order for those things to happen, I kinda need to hear the messages I'm receiving, and pull my head up and look out at the floor once in a while and not be afraid of having someone know I'm in a very content place..
I've done a lot more hunkering lately.. Like now here it is and I'm pushing against my reality for a second..
But the most important aspects to remember is why...
Why am I fearing the best thing? Why do I feel like I need to hang on to something at this point that's obviously not really in the cards..
B.T.M.S. #2
And my patience is slightly numb..
It's a quiet spell..
Until the next surge of life shows up and drives me through.
I hit a spot for a second within a lifetime where I looked in and saw something abrasive and resonant, and OBVIOUSLY I'm trying to regenerate my cells and create something from a body where a mass of toxic energy had been removed...
Naturally, I am healing, but this is one of the first times when I realize the healing is more a process of generating a whole where a hole is, but didn't used to be.
It is as if I need to do this about once every few years..
The abscess was so great that if I had removed everything at once, I would have had no tissue left.
B.T.M.S. #3
This process has been so long. This last round.. Was like a sandblaster..
The hole cut through...
And particles polish away and ate the oldest objects..
I wasn't a scared little girl any longer who needed to create a persona to keep myself safe.. I was finally the strong woman I was.
Who I am.
Of course I want to heal up and get better soon, cause I wanna try this one out..
Without the deep remorse, without flinching at the most brash words directed at my actions..
And the most important element: Even if I am still shy, my intentions have always been pure and for the best.
And all I have to do is voice my needs when I need a moment away, and to myself..
So why was this such a challenge?
I don't know..
But I finally feel like I can understand.
Funny, I know..
But I'm actually ready to be..
And it's the most unusual feeling I've had in a while..
While I was driving through and meeting deadlines and beating odds, I had really no idea what I was doing..
And now...
It's as if everything and nothing make complete sense..
There's your Hildegard moment, World..
There she is.. :)
And So I Am..
Going to pretend like there was nothing there.
I am going to pretend like there was nothing there.
As if I were slipping into a moment when there was no us, and there was no us.
Like I'm staying up late to write a eulogy that I really don't want to be writing.
All the emotion comes up for me naturally in the moment, it seems...
That night, in Eugene, surrounded by a bunch of fucking oat-nut, pseudo, hippie-bastards who got you to fucking eat raw food and tried to get you out of all your problems holistically while you ran and ran and ran and wanted to give yourself a bloody heart attack and die within the wilderness you so desperately loved...
For fuck's sake...
Why did you go?
And then whatever the fuck his name was who asked if it was okay to turn off your fucking pictures at your fucking memorial...
It was your fucking memorial...
Not his fucking time in front of a teary and tragic fucking crowd, just to suck more out...
We were there for you.
And the fucking group of people...
They never fucking knew you like I knew you.. You were a fucking stranger in your own body.
And I was trying to just fucking hold myself together...
I was trying to show them all what you stood for.. What you meant...
I fucking love you...
I fucking loved you.
I fucking loved you.
i fucking loved you.
Now we sit and try to figure out what the fuck went wrong...
And no, babe.. You were well versed in our times, but you were ahead of them.
I gather myself a slough of friends and loved ones who understand as close to how I operate as possible, and I don't hang out with dummies for long.. I don't hang out with dummies.
But I'M STILL HERE!
Sure, I could have made the choice to leave with you, but I've got people who will love and need me for the entirety of my time on this earth as I breath and live and beyond, but FUCK!!! Why did you feel like I was unapproachable???
I did things..
I thought about YOU during some of the most amazing fucking moments of my life, and now...
Well I know you're there, and I know you're here and I know I don't really know a damned thing...
I had a moment's slip in time last night when I thought to myself if my ideology was actually strong enough to continue on this path of spirituality, and did I believe what I thought I believed?
It was like the moment when I asked HIM to take my power for a short time so I could really FUCKING know that I feel what I truly feel and see...
I asked him to close my third eye.
And HE DID.
And I thanked him when it came back.
I want so much to believe this is all a fucking hoax, like you're waiting in the flesh, around the corner, and you' gonna pop out and I'll turn to look at you and even through my fucking tears... Even through my fucking tears...
even through my tears, I'll hear your voice and I'll just lose it..
I'll lose it and it'll become such a relief, I'll cry my heart out and I'll be at peace..
And I'll know...
You're still here...
I blamed her..
I blamed myself..
I blamed him..
I blamed us all...
I blamed all the ones in my tightest of circles, cause we all felt the crazy, but I didn't know I would lose the most beautiful soul...
Babe, I know you were gone...
I knew you were gone a while ago...
Maybe it WAS partly my fault...
If I hadn't jumped into something...
Maybe I could have fucking gotten you back home.