Flights of Fancy
by John Barrett Rose
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2009 by John Barrett Rose
Characters
1893
Banker Dillon
‘Doc’ Lewis
Masrchal Bob Fowler
Fancy Bowsell
Charlotte / Miss Charlotte
Crawley ffoulkes
Young Clem Hackett
1947
Awful Orville Brown
Clem Hackett
The General , U.S.A.A.F.
Squadron Leader ffoulkes , R.A.F.
Lydia
W.A.A.C. Corporal / Driver
Charlotte
Cast Four men, three women
ACT I
SETTING :Perkins Mound, an small town in the mountains of California. In the nineties a miners' town. In 1947 a shrunken remnant of its former self.
PERIOD :1947. Shifts between then and 1893.
AT RISE :The main street in the fall of 1947. Orville Brown lounging, hands in pockets, outside the hotel. He wears zoot suit and a fedora. He shakes a cigarette out of a pack and lights it.
Orville
Nineteen forty-seven! Swell, ain't it? Two years of civilian peace and prosperity. Harry Truman in the White House and the buck stops with him. More'n it does with me. Give me war and the Navy, any time.
(Feels in pockets, brings out a few coins, and jingles them).
Orville (Continued)
Seventy eight cents. Five days to pay day. Dime for a hot dog. Two bits for a hamburger. A Coke for a nickel, if you're lucky. Lucky. Yeah. Luckies two bits a pack, gas two bits a gallon -
(Lights go up in the hotel restaurant to reveal Clem Hackett standing on a ladder. He has a screwdriver in his hand)
Clem Hackett (Drops screwdriver)
Hey! Awful! What in hell are you mumbling out there for? Come give me a hand.
Orville
Orville. Not Awful, O-R-V-I-L-L-E.
Clem Hackett
That's what I said; Awful. Come here, Awful; find that damn screwdriver and hand it back up here.
(Clem freezes)
Orville
Clem Hackett. Boss of the Perkins Mound Hotel. Biggest liar in California, and you can drink to that. Oh, yeah, and grandpa of a gal called Lydia.
(Clem moves again)
Clem Hackett
Damn and blast your eyes Awful Orville Brown. What are you standing there for? Reach me that fatherless screwdriver.
(Orville walking into Clem'S scene, picks up screwdriver)
Orville
County cussing champion: sweet as a porcupine with its suit on inside out - Aye aye Sir.
Clem Hackett
Don't use that Navy talk with me. You hear?
Orville
Aye aye sir. The name is Orville. O-R-V-I-L-L-E, not Awful. What are you doing up there Mister Hackett, Sir?
Clem Hackett
Making sure the electricity don't leak out. You know what that is? Electricity? And one other thing, the only man ever had right to call himself Orville was Orville Wright. A flying man. Not an ex-navy deck swabber. And what are you dressed up for? You standing for election or something? Get your working clothes on. Shift the lead, Awful.
(Clem walks out of scene.)
Orville
Awful. You hear him? Not Orville. Awful. The old rogue calls me Awful. He thinks it is truly funny, and keeps on thinking it is truly funny. He also thinks electricity leaks if there ain't a lamp bulb in the outlet. I must be crazy to stay here. I mean, what am I doing in Perkins Mound? I could be down in L.A. pumping gas for twice the pay, jerking soda for twice the fun, or studying under the G.I. Bill of Rights for twice the future.
(Lydia comes by. We realise why Orville is still in Perkins Mound)
Orville
Uh, ah, hi, - Lydia.
Lydia
Hi, Orville.
(She does not stop)
Orville
If you're, uh, going for a walk? It just so happens I've got time free, Lydia, and, uh -
Lydia
Well if you've got time free you'd better go see what Grandpa wants. He's yelling for you something awful. Oh, excuse me, Orville.
(Exit Lydia)
Orville
Awful, excuse me, Orville. Awful. If I had any sense I'd take a powder. Jeepers Creepers, I must be crazy. The babe doesn't know I exist, and that old ignoramus in there -
(Clem comes up behind Orville)
Clem Hackett
Hey, Awful. You want to do some work? We got guests coming. You know? People who pay bills? And you're standing around dressed up like an out of work circus monkey, talking to yourself. You want to watch that, Awful, I believe and do swear you spent too long at sea.
(Clem bustles into bar)
Clem (Continued)
Did you forget to read the letter? I damn well told you to read it. What by the nine assholes of Hell do you think I'm paying you for? You want to get fired, or what?
(Orville follows Clem into bar)
Orville
Aye aye, Sir. That's it. What I want. Fire me.
Clem Hackett
Cut out that saltwater slang. Sir is what the Airforce says to Officers. Yes, Sir. Not aye aye -
Orville
Officers? In your war you got as far as Sergeant. Thirty years ago. A lousy Sergeant of the Lafayette Escadrille.
Clem Hackett
Who says so?
Orville
I say so. And that photo behind the bar says so - Where is the photo? The one that covered the hatch?
Clem Hackett
Gone for cleaning.
Orville
Gone - for - cleaning. Cleaning? Maybe I am going crazy at that. Anyway, you can't leave that hatch uncovered. Folk will see the filthy things that are being done in the galley.
Clem Hackett
Kitchen.
Orville
Kitchen. Okay, Kitchen. Kitchen. What about the hatch?
Clem Hackett
Stick the picture of Betty Grable over it. And get your apron on. Check the beer. Get some peanuts out on the bar. Make sure there's ice -
Orville
Aye aye, Sir. (Orville, speaks to audience) A signed photograph of Betty Grable. 'Darling Clem with all my love.' In green ink, no less. I don't believe it.
Clem Hackett
Awful! Where the hell's the house bottle? Hey, Awful, blast your guts, the house bottle's empty. Fill it. And don't you say -
Orville
- Aye aye Sir.
Clem Hackett
Aye aye Sir - Gah!
Orville (holds up bottle, speaks to audience)
The house bottle. Hah. Look at it. No label, so right off every sap knows it's got to be from stock laid down when the West was a pup, the smooth kind of stuff money can't buy. Well, It's smooth all right. It ought to be. I fill it out of a Jim Beam bottle.
Clem Hackett
Stop your eternal damn muttering, Awful. Polish the glasses. And I want those ashtrays to shine. (Pause, then quickly) And don't you say -
Orville (Quickly)
Aye aye sir.
Clem Hackett
Aye aye Sir. Hell and damnation. What else do they teach you squirts in the Navy?
(Enter Charlotte.)
Charlotte
Clem, believe me, what they teach them squirts in the Navy you wouldn't hardly believe. When I was down in San Francisco -
Orville (To audience)
Poor Charlotte. Born too late for the Wild West. All that was left for her was World War Two; and the Navy; and the Army; and the Marines; and -
Clem Hackett
Get back in that kitchen before someone sees you. You want the customers to believe in witches?
Charlotte
I can take a hint as good as anyone, Clem. You don't have to spell it out. Tell me scat and I damn well scatter. All over the place.
(Charlotte at door, turns and leers at Orville)
On the other hand, if you want to get your knots untied, sailor? Call me, anytime.
Orville
Well, thanks, Charlotte. Fact is, sailor's knots come undone at the twitch of a finger.
Charlotte
You don't say?
(Exit Charlotte. SFX jeep pulling up, laughter, shouts, boots stamping on wooden sidewalk)
Clem Hackett
Here they come. Now you hear me, Awful. No matter what I say, from you it's yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir. No snickers, no sniggers, no smart backtalk - you hear me? (Pause, then quickly) And you ain't to say -
Orville (Quickly)
Yes sir.
Clem Hackett
- Aye aye sir. Blast-damnation!
Orville
Aye aye sir.
(General stamps into scene with Squadron Leader ffoulkes , followed by uniformed W.A.A.C. Corporal struggling with suitcases. Men in civilian clothes, rubbing hands, shedding coats etc).
Clem Hackett
General. It's swell to see you again, Sir. I was just saying to Awful here -
General
Can the crap Hackett and have someone get our bags up to our rooms, hey? Don't you see my driver's having trouble? Lemme get near that fire. Jesus, I forgot how cold it gets up in these mountains.
Clem Hackett
Yes, Sir, General. Awful, you get these officers' bags. General, Sir, Ma'am, I got something real good for you folks. (Clem Hackett produces house bottle, pours) This'll take the chill off an iceberg. On the house.
General
Give the Corporal a Sarsaparilla, on the house. I don't like my driver using hard liquor on these roads.
ffoulkes
I say old boy, what a wizard old place -
Clem Hackett
Well! You English, Sir? Gee that's swell. The cat's pajamas.
ffoulkes
Oh I say, really? Tell me, are those real bullet holes in the ceiling, or woodworm?
Clem Hackett
Knotholes. I got some warm beer, you want it, and if you want fish and chips, just say the word.
ffoulkes
Fish and chips? How fearfully quaint. I hadn't realised that the Californian working class -
General
He drinks cold beer and eats steak like a human being. We got him trained. Right Squadron Leader?
ffoulkes
Quite right, Sir. Steak. Cold, er, beer. Jolly tickeyboo.
General
This guy is Clem Hackett. Hackett, meet the Squadron Leader. British Royal Air Force. Tonight we're gonna teach the Squadron Leader how to play a friendly game of poker.
ffoulkes
Terribly kind of you, Sir.
General
The Corporal'll lend a hand, we need it. Kind of balance out the Squadron Leader. Right Corporal?
Corporal
Right, Sir. Hand, Sir. Which hand, Sir?
General
You just button your lip, Corporal, give the bellhop the bags and sit down over there, hey?
Clem Hackett
Boy, this is a real happy surprise. Never figured to have a British flyer up here and -
(Others freeze when Orville, about to exit with bags, pauses and addresses audience)
Orville
Listen that will you? Surprise? What surprise? Lemme tell you. The General explained about the Limey when he wrote and booked the rooms. Squadron Leader the Honourable Crawley ffoulkes . Spitfires. Tempests. Typhoons. Shot down fourteen times. Swum the North Sea once and the English Channel twice. Parachuted into pub gardens, a jail, a girls' school, two convents, onto the roof of a Picadilly whorehouse, and finally into the middle of the King's garden party, luckily he was in his best uniform with D.F.C., D.S.C., V.C. and bar, and got to talk to a real Princess. Youngest son of Lord Crawley ffoulkes . Spelt with a little f. I guess either the General or Lord ffoulkes can't spell all that good.
(Exit Orville. Others move again)
General
Okay, Hackett. We ain't gonna drink too much of this firewater before we've had something to eat. The steaks better be good, hear me?
Clem Hackett
Yes, Sir. I sure can recommend them. Why I picked them out myself from the finest mountain beef in California, and -
General
Cut out the bullshit, Hackett. Well, Squadron Leader, how do you like the country that invented the airplane?
ffoulkes
The States? Bloody marvellous. But I say, Sir, it won't do, you know. It was an Englishman who invented the aeroplane.
General
Hell. The powered flying machine was invented by Orville and Wilbur Wright. Godammit. Right Corporal?
Corporal
Oh, truly, truly, Sir.
ffoulkes
Then again, Sir, the Froggies do say they invented it first.
General
Jesus H. Christ. It was damn well invented by Americans in the U.S. of A. At Kitty Hawk, God damn it. Corporal?
Corporal
God damn it! Yes Sir!
Clem Hackett
We-ell now. Although a lady is never wrong, and you gentlemen are both right; you are all wrong too, I'm purely sorry to have to tell you.
ffoulkes
Oh, come now -
General
What the hell do you know about it, Hackett?
Clem Hackett
Well, I sure don't aim to quarrel with you gentlemen -
General
That's damn smart of you, Hackett.
Clem Hackett
- and it so happens there still a shot or two of fine old mountain whiskey in this bottle, stuff that Revenue agents never saw. Distilled in the days when men cared more about the quality of their liquor than the colour of the label. I'd be right proud to have you taste this -
General
Now you listen here -
Clem Hackett
No, Sir, you listen here. Down on your base you may be a big man, General, but here, Suh, you're a gent who's just been invited to drink with the Marshal of Perkins Mound.
General (Almost choking)
Jeeze - I - I'd, uh, be right proud to drink with you - Marshal. Is that how Gary Cooper says it?
Clem Hackett
That's how the Marshal of Perkins Mound says it.
(Clem Hackett pours fresh whiskey. Spot up on Orville, outside scene. Others freeze)
Orville
There he goes again. Biggest liar in the county. Biggest liar in California. Biggest liar in the explored universe. There hasn't been a Marshal in Perkins Mound for forty years, if you can believe Clem Hackett. (Pause) Yeah, that does leave the question open. Don’t it?
(Fade out Orville. Others move again)
General (Tasting drink, calms down)
Smooth, Clem. Very smooth. Now what's this about the Squadron Leader and me being both right and wrong?
Clem Hackett
Hell, General, I guess I spoke out of turn. You gentlemen will sure know more about flying than I do.
General
Right.
ffoulkes
Right.
Corporal
Right.
General
Right! And the first powered flight; mind you I don't make no claims for gliding and suchlike; but the first powered flight in the history of the world was made by the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk on December 17, nineteen - oh - three. Right, Corporal?
Corporal
Yes, Sir. Nineteen oh three. Kitty Hawk it was.
Clem Hackett
I guess you're right, Corp- uh General. Only -
General
Sure I'm right. Only what?
Clem Hackett
I saw an airplane fly here, in Perkins Mound, in eighteen ninety three.
General
That cain't damn well be true. Right, Corporal?
Corporal
Oh, surely, General. It can't - cain't - damn well be true.
Clem Hackett
Your privilege to doubt me, General -
General
Hell, don't get on your high horse, Hackett. Maybe you saw a kite; wait a minute, eighteen ninety three? How old were you? Hell, you must have been a babe in arms.
Corporal
Babe in arms. That's how it must have been. Yes, Sir.
General
Zip the lip, Corporal. Maybe it's a dream, something you seem to remember when in fact -
Clem Hackett
I was thirteen year old. I helped build it.
(Spot up on vignette, Orville, addressing audience. Others freeze)
Orville
Ain't he a Jim Dandy? Ain't he just a copper plated daisy of a liar? Jeepers creepers, Benedict Arnold would have doted on him.
(Fade out Orville. Others move again)
ffoulkes
Well, that certainly makes an American the first man to fly a powered aeroplane. Bottoms up.
Clem Hackett
As a matter of fact, the feller was an Englishman. Anybody want a beer?
(Pause)
General
Beer? Shoot. Make it whiskey all round. On my tab.
(Clem pours hugely for all, including Corporal, who behind General's back takes glass, samples it)
ffoulkes
Listen, old boy, what did the fellow use for power in eighteen ninety three?
General
Right. I didn't want to be any tougher on you than I have to be, Clem, but seeing as the Squadron Leader has brought it up, let's have an answer. What kind of motor was there in 1893 that could power an airplane? And don't tell me a steam engine. My heart couldn't stand the strain.
(Corporal laughs dutifully. Hiccups)
Clem Hackett
Well, I guess there's some problem in giving you a direct answer.
General
I don't see any problem. Speak out, Hackett.
Corporal
Yeah, blow it out, Hackett. (Hiccups)
Clem Hackett
As you say, General, probably there ain't any difficulty for a flying man, but I'm a saloon keeper and don't know much about airplanes, so, well, all I can do is tell you what I saw and what I heard. Cain't do no better. Not in explaining the technical details.
General
We've got time, Hackett. Don't worry about the technical details, there's high powered talent present to help you out with the Fancy words. Right, Corporal?
Corporal
Right, Sir. High powered talent present, Sir. Whoopee.
General
Go powder your nose, Corporal. An' you can unpack my bags while you're at it.
Corporal
Take a powder, Corporal. Unpack bags. Right away, General.
(Exit Corporal)
Clem Hackett
Like I said, I was thirteen year old when this English guy, Crawley ffoulkes come riding into town.
ffoulkes
Who?
General
Hackett, I reckon you're a damn liar.
Clem Hackett
General, you're right. I lied. He weren't riding. He was walking and leading his burro. I could see right off that he was a prospector and who ever heard of a prospector riding his damn donkey?
ffoulkes (Braying)
Who? Ah, who? Ah, who?
Clem Hackett
I was out in the meadow what used to be at the end of town, me and Fancy Bowsell, the preacher's gal, with a kite we'd made -
ffoulkes
Ah - who did you say?
Clem Hackett
Listen, Squadron Leader, if you got trouble hearing then hold off until I'm done talking and I'll repeat anything you ain't understood. This butting in all the time kind of spoils what I've got to say.
ffoulkes
Terribly sorry, old boy. Do carry on.
Clem Hackett
You sure?
ffoulkes
Shan't interrupt again.
Clem Hackett
As I was saying -
ffoulkes
Don't mind me.
Clem Hackett
You quite sure now?
ffoulkes
Absolutely, my dear chap.
(Enter Charlotte)
Charlotte
These guys want to eat it now, Clem Hackett, or do I get to feed it to the hogs? And we got real problems back on in there, I got a run in my stocking and the cooking whiskey's run out.
(Grabs house bottle)
Charlotte (Continued)
Yeah. This'll see tonight's cooking through. Remember, you guys, if you're hungry it's now or never. In twenty minutes from now I won't give a tinker's cuss if you eat, if both stockings have got holes, or what.
(Exit Charlotte)
General
Is that the damn cook? What the hell sort of an outfit are you running here, Hackett?
Clem Hackett
Gee General, no. That's the dish washer. I wouldn't let anyone like that touch food. Not in my kitchen. Hell no.
ffoulkes
Whiskey? I rather thought one uses sherry for cooking?
Clem Hackett
Thing's ain't always what they seem in California, Squadron Leader. What say, General, you want that the cook fixes the steak while the charcoal is burning just right? Of course, you speak the word, we can hold off as long as you gents like, only -
General
Hell, we can eat now. You object to eating now, Squadron Leader?
(The General starts to leave, followed by ffoulkes . Spot up on Orville, outside scene. Others freeze)
Orville
One of those Generals' questions, ain't ever going to get any other answer than 'Yes Sir. No Sir. Three bags full, Sir'.
(Fade out Orville. Others move again)
ffoulkes
No, Sir. Yes, Sir. Right, Sir. I say, Sir, I wouldn't mind hearing what Mister Hackett was going to say.
Clem Hackett (Following General)
Sure, Squadron Leader, sure. Well, you see, being thirteen I wouldn't normally have been caught dead in the company of a female, but seeing that Fancy Bowsell was real old, about twenty, and seeing as how she knew about making a kite -
(As Clem Hackett leaves, fade out scene, bring up lights on 1893, outdoors, a meadow. A flume runs overhead, offstage. Fancy Bowsell in wide brimmed hat, long grey skirt, simple white high necked blouse with long sleeves, neat tie. Young Clem in ragged breeches, suspenders, a rough and dirty shirt, a disgusting hat. They have a kite with no tail. Young Clem whirls it. It will not fly)
Fancy
I quite fail to perceive why it doesn't fly, Clem. I'm sure it is constructed precisely according to the description in the book.
Young Clem
Do you reckon that feller what wrote the book don't know what he was talking about?
Fancy
'May not have known', not 'don't know', and 'Who wrote the book'. Well he did say he has witnessed kites flying in China, and he does say this is how they are built there. I cannot understand where the fault lies.
(Freeze 1893 scene. Narrow spotlight in restaurant in 1947, vignette, Clem Hackett and General)
Clem Hackett
Fancy Bowsell was the preacher's daughter, full of learning but as plain as bread pie. That's why they called her Fancy. She had freckles, and a nose that was a mite too strong for a girl, and a tongue as sharp as gooseberry tart. If you want some idea of the kind of natural disaster that poor female was, well, in a woman hungry mining town like Perkins Mound, she didn't have a beau. You can surely appreciate how it was she had time to play kites with a kid like me -
General
I sure as hell do Clem, and would also surely appreciate you getting on with the subject. Damned if I wouldn't.
(Another spot up. Vignette of Orville)
Orville
I don't know why he prods that old rogue to talk. The problem, generally speaking, is getting him to shut up.
(Freeze Orville)
General
And the issue, Hackett, speaking as a General, is airplanes, not goddamned kites. Carry on.
Clem Hackett
Yes, Sir, General. I'm just about to tell you, only I figured I ought to explain some first -
(Fade out 1947 vignettes. 1893 Scene moves again. Crawley ffoulkes enters from behind Fancy. He wears flat boots, muddy moleskin pants, dusty coat and flop-brimmed wideawake hat. Carries a shotgun)
Young Clem
Maybe we're trying to fly it upside down, Fancy?
ffoulkes
Perhaps we're trying to fly it without a tail, Fancy. Won't do, y'know. A man carrying kite is the only kind I have ever seen without a tail. Can you children tell me the name of this town?
Young Clem
Say, you talk real funny, mister.
Fancy
Don't be rude to the gentleman, Clement.
ffoulkes
Why, thank you, Fancy, me dear.
Fancy (Jumps up, turns angrily on ffoulkes )
Miss Bowsell to you, Sir.
(They see each other. Impact! ffoulkes sweeps off his hat and bows)
ffoulkes
Miss Bowsell. I do most sincerely beg your pardon. ffoulkes . Crawley ffoulkes , entirely at your service, Ma'am. Incidentally, I'm quite certain a tail would do wonders for the kite. If you'll pardon me saying so.
Young Clem
A tail? Like a bird? Gee willikins. Maybe that's what it wants, Fancy, a tail?
Fancy
Unless, of course, it were used to carry a man. Perhaps we should attach Mr Crawley ffoulkes to it, Clement? He must be useful for something other than making impudent remarks.
Young Clem
Shucks, Fancy, I thought he said sorry real purty.
ffoulkes
Ma'am, you wound me. Not impudent remarks, I beg of you.
Fancy
I imagine, Sir, that you have no sisters, fortunately for them.
ffoulkes
On the contrary, my dear Miss Bowsell, I do have sisters, fortunately for them.
Fancy
And of course, you have built a man carrying kite for them?
ffoulkes
Well, I, er, -
Young Clem
A man carrying kite. Woowee.
Fancy
Moderate your enthusiasm, Clement. Mr ffoulkes is stretching a point. Several points, I should imagine.
Young Clem
You mean - he's lying?
Fancy
I prefer not to sully my lips with the phrase.
ffoulkes
My dear Miss Bowsell, you do me an injustice, I have never said that I built a man carrying kite.